Breakdown 7-1-21
{{Friday, June 18
Gretna, LA}}
I wanted to get better on my own. I thought that with support from Dom, Amy, Jaina, Kara, Sienna... my family and friends, I could process everything that's happened and sort out my head, get through everything and heal. I did make some progress, don't get me wrong. I don't pull away from Dom touching or hugging me, he's been sleeping in bed with me for the last two weeks (other than one night... but I'll get to that). I'm not as jumpy as I was. I even let Wyatt hug me the last time I went to his gym. But, even with all of the steps forward I've made in the month since I was attacked, I feel stuck. There's so much more room for improvement, more healing to do... and I can't seem to get past it. There is a specific problem that bothers me the most, and I really didn't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, not even Amy. But, I knew there might be one person I could speak to about it, and might be able to help me. I asked Amy if she could ask her friend and therapist, Dr. Lucio, to see me. Amy had seen her for years after she accidentally OD'd and really helped her work out a lot of issues, things that were the root cause of her drinking. Since Amy opened the Horizon House shelter, Dr. Lucio had been working there, helping to counsel the women and children who went there, escaping their abusers. I knew that some of that had to include sexual abuse, so that's what made me think to ask. Amy had been concerned that I thought I needed counseling, but she was more than happy to make a phone call for me,and arrange for Dr. Lucio to see me. I told Amy I didn't think it was a really major problem, just one or two things I needed help processing. True to her word, Amy didn't press me for further details, she just gave me Dr. Lucio's office number and the appointment time she'd given me.
It's afternoon, just before two, when I walk into the front doors of Horizon House. Dr. Lucio had kept her main practice open for a while after starting to help here, but after a few months she decided to make the shelter her full time job, and mostly only sees women seeking help dealing with the effects of Domestic Violence, shelter guests or not. There are some exceptions, Kelsai Adamson-Mason has been seeing he for a while, as a favor to Amy. She's seeing me today as a favor to Amy too, although my issue does fall in line with her expertise somewhat, despite the fact that my attacker wasn't someone I knew. But, assault is assault, right? I was glad that Dr. Lucio already knew what happened to me, Amy said she had seen the news, and Amy gave her a little more information. I am very glad I don't have to explain all of that first today.
The nice lady at the reception desk pointed me in the right direction to Dr. Lucio's office. I walk in, and the kindly looking older lady looks up from her desk and gives me a smile.
“Bree, good afternoon. Come in, have a seat.”
“Hi, Doctor.” I walk over to the comfy chair that's across from her desk. “Before we start, I want to thank you for agreeing to see me. I know my... situation, isn't quite what you normally work with.”
“I actually do take clients who've had similar experiences to yours. Most of my work is DV related, that's true. But it's not all I do.”
“I see. I just thought you only.... well, thank you anyway. I'm starting to think I should have asked before now. I thought I could process on my own.”
“A lot of survivors do. But I don't want you to feel less than because you needed help. Asking for help is a sign of strength.”
I smile. “I know. I've heard Amy say that enough. Clearly she got that from you.”
Dr. Lucio grins. “She did. It took her a while to grasp that concept. And I only say that to you because she's your family. I don't normally talk about other clients, you understand.”
“Of course. Amy wouldn't mind anyway, she's been so.... there, for me through all of this. Offering anything to help.”
“Because she understands.”
I nod. “She's the only person I know who truly does.”
Dr. Lucio nods. She then pulls a notepad out from a desk drawer and picks up a pen. “Alright, are you ready to get started?” I nod again. “Good. Tell me Bree... what exactly brings you here today?”
I take a deep breath. I feel like I need to ease into what my real problem is, so I decide to start with something else.
“Well, a few things really. But mainly I just feel... stuck. Like, for a few weeks I couldn't let anyone touch me, not even Dom.”
“And Dom is...?”
“Oh, sorry. I thought you knew. My fiance. We're getting married in a month.”
“Oh yes, Dominic. Sorry, I'm not used to hearing him referred to by a nickname. Continue.”
“Okay, so... right now I'm able to let him touch and hug me, and sleep in the bed with me.”
Dr. Lucio raises a brow. “Yeah, he was in the guest room for a while. I had to be alone.”
“That's common.”
“But he's been back in our room with me for about two weeks now.”
“Very good.”
“It's just that.... well, all of these events have made me see things differently. And not just my attack-”
“You mean your rape.”
“I... yeah, that.”
“Let me pause you for a moment. In here, we don't tiptoe around facts. We speak truths. I'm under the impression that's a big thing for you?” I nod. “Good. Yes you were attacked, but you were also raped. The more you say it, the more you claim what happened to you, the easier it will be to find acceptance and progress. Do you agree?”
“I do. And I have been trying. At first I couldn't say anything about it at all. But, I had to give the police details, and I think that sort of broke that wall down. I will try to use the right words for you.”
Dr. Lucio nods with a small grin. “Thank you. I promise it helps.”
“I believe you.”
“So, you said events made you see things differently.”
“Yes. And not just this. But things at work, too. There are these people who made a mockery of the World Championship. Others who are going around hurting people, like... serious injury, because they think those people deserve it. And they don't. I know I've been pretty vicious in the ring myself, but that's just it... in the ring. I never did things like these people, though. And one of the people who was injured, was Dom's brother... well, half-brother, David. He and I... haven't gotten along for years. There was a huge thing last year at work, when Dom had a movie coming out. I was World Champion, David won the chance to face me... it got pretty personal.”
“Did that cause any problems between you and Dom?”
“No. He took my side in it all and refused to even speak to either of his brothers for a long time. Until very recently, actually. And that's what I'm getting to. After David was hurt, for really no reason other than the people who hurt him have a grudge even worse than mine ever was... well, that sort of made me see him differently. He wasn't the asshole who disrespected me and Dom last year anymore. He was just a man, my future husband's brother, who was attacked and hurt. Like I was.”
“I see.”
“So, I decided I didn't need or want to be mean or standoffish to him anymore. I wanted to speak to him and tell him a few things....”
* * * * * {{ Saturday, June 5 - Kenner}} * * * * *
The events of Breakdown a few days ago haven't really set right with me ever since. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to David Helms. There was this big brawl around Jordan's friend's Escalade, David was trying to help Jordan and her friend and in the chaos his leg got crushed in the back door – twice. I'd heard he was taken to a hospital but hadn't heard anything else... until this morning. Since Dom's birthday in April after David tweeted him a happy birthday, they'd actually spoken a few times. Mostly over text but a few calls. It led to Dom giving final agreement to send both David and Jason wedding invitations. I had been stressing over what I was going to say to Amy if we hadn't invited Jason, but it turned out I didn't have to worry about it. Anyway, point being.... this morning David finally replied to Dom's text asking how he was and what exactly happened. The door shots broke his leg, and the doctors were keeping a close eye on it to make sure he didn't need a procedure to reset the bones. It didn't make sense to me. David had done nothing to deserve this, he was just helping his friend Jordan and her friend, to fend off people who had given him shit last year. Yeah, I have a sort of mutual respect thing with Tommy Valentine, and just a few months ago if I had been asked, I would have taken his side over David's.... but all of that group – Tommy, Kandis, Minerva, Raab? They'd gone too far. I felt like I needed to say something to David. I didn't have his phone number myself, I never had a reason to have it. But obviously Dom did. I asked him if I could use his phone to call David. Dom gave me a strange look, and I explained what I wanted to say. Without saying anything, he just handed me his phone and left the library, giving me privacy. I wouldn't have minded if he stayed and listened, but I appreciated the courtesy.
I've been sitting here with Dom's phone in my hand for about ten minutes, trying to work out what I'm going to say, how to say it. That's if I even get to say anything at all, David may just hang up as soon as he realizes it's me and not Dom. I wouldn't blame him if he did. Well, I'm sure Dom doesn't want me to have his phone all day, so I'd better just make the call. I figure I'd see if David actually speaks to me first, then wing it from there. I tap his name on the screen, and wait. After two rings, there's an answer.
“I had to break a bone to get you to call me instead of text, bro?” David sounds amused. I'm sure that won't last more than a few seconds.
“Hi David... it's Bree.”
I hear a sigh. “Nice trick, using my brother's phone to contact me. To what do I owe this particular pleasure?”
“I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to trick you. I just figured if I called from my phone, you wouldn't recognize the number and you wouldn't answer.”
“Probably right.... wait, does Dom even know you're using his phone?”
Okay, that's a little insulting. But I'm determined to be polite. “Of course he does, he handed it to me himself.”
“Alright. So let me ask again... why are you calling me?” He doesn't sound angry about it, just confused.
“Well, about Breakdown. I really just wanted to tell you that you didn't deserve what they did to you. I know you and I have said some pretty horrible things about each other over the last year, even got pretty personal at times. But, we also kept everything physical in the ring. What happened to you? David... they were over the line. I would have never done anything like to you. Or anyone.”
“I seem to recall you threatening to injure me in the ring so everyone would know exactly what happened.”
I sigh. “I did say that. But that was still in-ring. And honestly? I was never going to actually do that, no matter how annoyed with you I was. You're Dom's brother. I was mostly just giving you shit about not disclosing the injury that made you vacate the title.”
To my surprise, David chuckles at that. “Yeah... that. I didn't disclose it because it happened while I was doing something incredibly stupid, and I didn't need the media drama. It was a concussion, by the way.”
I'll be damned. “Well, I certainly understand about the media.”
“I thought you might.”
“Anyway, I just wanted you know that even I think they crossed a line.”
“I appreciate that, I truly do.”
“It was one more thing that made me sort of look at myself and my past behavior, and see that I don't want to be seen that way. I know I said that I had no plans on doing some kind of weird apology tour or something, but there are a handful of people who do deserve one from me, you're one of them. I-”
“You don't have to do that, Bree. You were just holding to what you stand for, as was I. We read each other's intentions wrong, suspected the worst. For my part, I often forget that a different opinion doesn't always make it a wrong opinion, even at my age.”
“I can understand that. For my part, I didn't want to see happen to Dom's family what nearly happened to mine a few years ago. Not over me. It just looked like that didn't bother you.”
“It looked to me like you were using his spotlight your advantage, and I didn't want to see my family get used.”
“Clearly we were both wrong.”
“Clearly. Tell you what, let's just chalk it up to a giant misunderstanding, because we both care about Dom, and move forward, yeah?”
I scoff, surprised. “That easily?”
“Sure. I admit it helps that Dom told me how you tried to convince him to speak to me and Jase, for a long time.”
“He did, huh?”
“Indeed. Recently, but he did. Every now and then, it's nice when you're wrong about someone.”
I smile, even though he can't see me. “Yeah. It is. Thanks.” A few seconds of silence pass. “So... are you and Regan coming to the wedding?”
“Wouldn't miss it. I may even attach bells to my leg cast.”
I laugh. “That would be amazing. I hope you won't be too uncomfortable to have fun.”
“I'll bring some rum, it'll be fine.”
We both laugh a bit. “Sounds like a plan. Well... I said what I needed to say. I won't take any more of your time. Thanks for not hanging up on me.”
“You know, I'm glad you called. Take care, Bree.”
“You too, David.”
That went a lot better than I expected.
* * * * * {{ Dr. Lucio's Office }} * * * * *
“... so even though he didn't technically 'let' me apologize, I feel like I did.”
“And does that make you feel better?”
“It does. I mean, I spent months trying to convince Dom to reach out and try to work things out. But he was so angry, he felt David had disrespected me. I didn't want to be the reason they were fighting. So to know that they'd been talking recently, and for David to say what he said to me... it's like I was finally able to fix something I broke. I couldn't get the title back, my head is still messed up from the... um, the rape... but this? I helped fix this.” I had almost said 'attack,' but then remembered what Dr. Lucio said about facts.
“It certainly sounds like a breakthrough you needed, even though it has nothing to do with your rape.”
“I did need it, but I think it has everything to do with it.”
“How so?”
“Like... it broke me down. I had no pride, no walls, everything has been more... raw, more sensitive. It's really opened my eyes to the way I've treated some people in the past. I don't believe in going around to every single person I've ever insulted and try to apologize to them, a lot of them said terrible things to me in return. So did David, but.... maybe I brought it on myself, you know? He often said that, and maybe he was right. I owed him.”
Dr. Lucio takes a few notes, then looks back up at me. “Well, if you feel it was something you needed to do, and you feel better for it, then it was good for you that you did it. I'd like to go back to something else you said... about how you couldn't win your title back, referring to that being something you couldn't fix... would you say that your rape is affecting you at work at all? In the ring, in training?”
“For the most part? I'd say no. I've been training just fine, I've even been helping Amy with some of her students. In actual matches? I'd like to say no, but I can't be sure.”
“Elaborate?”
“Well, I feel fine in the ring. Like myself. But I lost the championship rematch. It wasn't against the person who took the title from me, but someone much worse, as far as representing the company. I don't really want to make any excuses like I've been accused of doing in the past, but I really can't be sure if the man was truly better than me that night, or if I was just off a step or two because of what happened. It was just a few days after, you see.”
“It's very possible, and even likely, that you were affected by it subconsciously.”
“I'm starting to think that. I didn't have another match until this past Sunday, the battle royal. It was my last shot to find a way to get the title back. Win the battle royal, you face the champion at Rise to Greatness. I felt like I just had to do it, because the man who was champion was making a mockery of the title, and he and his friends had a path to act the way they do that was partially cleared by me, by the way I've acted in the past. No one else could fix what this man was breaking down but me. But-”
“Let me stop you a moment. You feel responsible for the way the champion was misrepresenting the title?”
“I do. I don't know how much, if any, you pay attention to wrestling, but I... haven't always been the nicest person in the locker room.”
“Amy has told me a few things.”
“I'm sure... so, yes. I feel like my past actions left it open for that man and his friends to think they could do what they wanted. It's been worse after I was raped... watching the way they disrespected everyone, and the title... it was like they were doing to the title what that man did to me. Violating it's trust, ruining it's honor, breaking it down into something worth less.”
“Is that how you feel? Worth less, because of what happened to you?”
“Yes... in a way. I can't do what I want, because I have this... mental block.”
“What things can't you do?”
“Well.. there was the Flame battle royal...”
* * * * * {{ Sunday, June 13 – St. Louis }} * * * * *
Another year I threw my name in with most of the roster for the Taking Hold of the Flame battle royal. I thought I had it this time. I had a real reason, a mission almost, for going in and wanting to be the one left standing at the end. But, also once again, I came up just short. I was knocked off the apron by Owen Cruze, that little shit head. I didn't really have time to be mad, the officials were escorting people away as soon as they were eliminated, trying to keep control after all the non-entrants that had caused trouble. Scott and I were barely up the ramp when I looked up on the giant screen and saw Jordan get tossed right after me. So much for one of us going all the way, huh?
After walking through the curtain, Scott disappeard on seeing Dom waiting, probably to let Marco know I would be getting back to my locker room soon. Dom greets me with a hug. It's bittersweet though because this is usually what happens after I win, and I didn't win.
“You were great, cakes. Don't let this make you think anything else.”
“I failed again.”
“No you didn't. You showed everyone you won't let anything keep you down.”
“If you say so.”
He pulls away from the hug and gives me a slight grin. “Do you want to watch the rest from here, or-”
I turn away when I notice the curtain moving, it's Jordan coming to the back. “Hold on baby.” He nods, and I walk up to Jordan.
“Hey babe... are you okay?”
“Just got thrown on my ass by someone I used to call a friend. So... not really, but I'm not hurt. You?”
“Nothing bruised but my pride. What's left of it, anyway.”
“Well hey, at least we went out practically together.”
“There's that. Listen, thanks for having my back out there.”
“Yeah, you too. I was starting to wonder what would happen if it came down to me and you.”
“We'd have given this show the best ending ever.” I grin. Jordan smiles back.
“Maybe one year we'll find out.”
“Maybe.” I wasn't so sure, right now I feel like I never want to do this again.
“Well hey, I'm gonna go shower. See you later?”
“Sure.”
We give each other a quick hug before Jordan walks off, her head hanging a bit.
I go back to Dom. “Let's go back to my locker room, I really don't want to watch the rest of this around all these people.”
Dom nods, and we go down the hallway. There were monitors near gorilla and a lot of people were hanging around watching, waiting to see who was going to win. There were three people left and I didn't really care to see which of them would win, I can't stand any of them. By the time we got to my locker room and Dom turned on the monitor though, it turns out I didn't have to watch anything – it was already over. I heard the music anyway - Ace Marshall was the last man standing. I see a replay of Syren getting piledriven by Asher Hayes.
“Turn it off.” I crumple into the couch, pulling my legs up. Dom clicks the monitor off, then sits next to me.
“Are you okay, cakes?”
“No.”
“Are you hurt, do you need medical?”
“No, nothing like that. I'm just... mad at myself. I thought I could do this, you know? I had all the motivation, all the right reasons. No one in that ring cares about the championship as much as I do, I don't care what anyone says. But none of that mattered. I still failed. I don't know what to do, or how to be, anymore.”
“What does that mean?”
I take a deep breath. I already know how shitty this would sound before I said it. “I still believe what I said in my video, that I shouldn't have been letting the championships define who I am. But... I've been one champion or another for the better part of the last two... no, three, years. And when I wasn't one, I was still in the chase, trying to get it back after it was taken from me. But not anymore. After tonight SCW will move on to fucking Selena and Ace... and I'm out of the picture. It's done. And I don't... I don't know what to do without it...” My voice cracks and I feel like such a waste of space for admitting that, but I can't help it.
“That's so easy, though. You just keep trying your best to do what you feel is right. Sure, that looks a little different now, but what hasn't changed, is that you've always stood firm for what you believe in. That doesn't change just because there isn't a championship involved. I know it's hard to hear right now, but you just need to keep your head up.”
“How? Have you seen the way people looked at me tonight? Everyone knows what happened to me now. A few people spoke to me, gave me kind words and encouragement. But most just kept their distance, looking at me with pity, like I'm not even the same person anymore.”
Dom grabs my hand, holding it with one hand and rubbing the back of it with the other.
“Maybe they just didn't know what to say, maybe they've never known someone who experienced what you did and they didn't want to say the wrong thing to upset you.”
“I love the way you try to see the best in people baby, but I just don't see it. If that were the case, why would they stare? Haven't I been violated enough, do they have to gawk at me like I'm some sideshow display? Behold... the Amazing Raped Lady!” I roll my eyes and shake my head, blinking tears away.
“I guess some people just don't know how to properly express sympathy.”
“I don't want their sympathy! I just want everything to be normal again.” I wipe at my face with my free hand. Dom pulls me closer, and I lean against him as he puts his arm around me.
“Maybe you shouldn't have tried to keep working after what happened, maybe you should ask for some time off, take a break.”
“I don't want a break, either. Other than you, this job is the only thing that gives me any kind of peace.” Even though I keep failing, I can't imagine just sitting at home doing nothing.
“What do you want, then?”
I don't want to be treated any differently than before. Support without the pitiful looks would be nice. I want things to be normal, I want to be able to do more than just sleep in bed, I want the thought of it to not make my stomach turn... but I didn't want to say all, or any of that.
“I want to go home.” God, I sound like a child.
“We are, first thing in the morning.” He holds me closer.
“No. I mean now, tonight. Can we do that?”
“I'll have Marco call Pete, see about getting the flight changed.” Pete is my pilot.
“Thanks.”
“You should probably get your shower and changed while I speak to Marco, so you're ready.”
I look down at myself and realize I'm still in my gear. I'm sweaty and ick from over half an hour in the match. Dom doesn't seem to care.
“Yeah... good idea.”
I get up and get my shower things as Dom pulls his phone out. I really hope we can leave tonight.
* * * * * {{ Dr. Lucio's Office }} * * * * *
“And were you able to leave that night?”
“We were. It wasn't as fast as I wanted, cause it takes time to get a new flight plan approved, but we were in the air by 1 AM and home before dawn.” It was just Dom and me, Jaina stayed behind with Christian, he was worried about his dad. And Scott went to New York City to see his parents... and Marco went with him.
“Good to hear. So tell me, how do you feel about what Dom said to you, keeping your head up?”
“I've thought about it since then, and he's probably right. But I still don't know what I'm supposed to do now. The way Cid and Asher acted with the title angered me so much that I felt the need to do something about it. And I guess it was so horrible that the fans just saw me as the lesser of two evils, they were behind me. Still are I guess, they cheered me in St. Louis. But I couldn't do it. The title is out of my reach now, and the man I was trying to stop isn't the champion anymore. Are the fans going to stay on my side? Do I even want that? Is it really because they believe me that I want to do better and be better for SVW, or is it just out of sympathy, since news came out?”
“I think you know I can't answer that for you.” “I nod. No one can, fans are a conglomerate of millions of people. Unpredictable. “Why does it matter to you?”
“I'm not sure that it does. I just don't want to be labeled as a victim, and only favored for that reason.”
“Being shown sympathy for your experience doesn't mean they think you're a victim. It means they know what happened to you wasn't your fault, and they want you to feel better.”
I sigh. “I wish it was that easy.”
“If it were, I wouldn't have a job.” Dr. Lucio grins slightly. “Well, we've gone through a family issue, and a work issue. Is there anything else you're having issues with that you believe is a result of your rape?”
I stare at her a few seconds, she is really good at her job. “Yes, there is. It's the real reason I came here today.”
“I knew there had to be something else, one doesn't ask to see a therapist who specializes in DV and sexual abuse just to speak about family and work issues.”
I grin nervously. “Right... well, it's just things between me and Dom.”
“Such as?”
“Well...” Maybe I can't do this after all. I feel my face turning red.
“Bree... I have an idea what you may be speaking about, but I can't help you if you can't give me specifics. I'll remind you that anything said here remains private, we have the same doctor-patient privacy rules as medical doctors. Further, you won't find any judgment or ridicule here. That doesn't help anything, either.”
“I didn't expect that from you, Doctor. Amy trusts you implicitly, therefore so do I. It's just... I'm not used to talking about these kinds of things with someone other than my partner. And even then....” I make a face. “My parents raised me Catholic, you see.”
Dr. Lucio nods once, a larger motion that most nods, and makes a note. “I see. I will keep that in mind and try to be a little more sensitive.”
“Thank you.” I'm still nervous, but not quiet so much. This must be why people think I'm a prude, because I don't talk about sex openly. “So... things between us. As I said before, I've gotten to where it's okay for him to touch me, hug me, kiss me. Closed-mouth, I mean. And he's moved back into the bedroom to sleep. But that's as far as I've been able to go.”
“Can you elaborate?”
“I mean...sexually. I want to, but I can't. It's not as visceral a reaction as right after, but the thought of doing it- makes my stomach turn.”
“Just to be clear, you're talking about having sex?”
“Yes...” I get the idea she wants me to do the same thing here as with saying the word 'rape'... say the right words to claim it. “Yes, having sex. I want to get past things to the point where I can, since we're getting married in a month. But anytime something, either in bed or otherwise, comes even close to feeling sexual in any way, I can't handle it. I... I shut down.”
“That's very common, and it can be difficult to reclaim your sexuality following assault or rape. Is there a particular action that triggers this shut down?”
“Well... up until I let him move back into the bedroom, it was just any kind of touching. But since then, it's... well, something happened the other night and it created a slight setback. It's why I asked Amy to ask if I could see you.”
“Alright. I can tell this is very uncomfortable for you, so if you need to use less than specific terms, that's fine.”
“I'll try to be as specific as I can....”
* * * * * {{ Wednesday, June 16 – Kenner }} * * * * *
After the typical summer afternoon rainstorm, Dom and I had gone for a swim, and had dinner outside on the patio – a cold shrimp and pasta salad Dom made. After dinner and just after the sun went down, we both had showers and were pretty worn out from swimming in the heat, so we decided to go to bed early. Not necessarily sleep, maybe put a movie on from one of the streaming services we have. We sat up comfortably and watched one of the Batman's with Christian Bale in it, I don't remember which. I leaned against Dom the whole time and it was fine. As the movie played though, I kept thinking about the past two weeks or so, since he moved back into the bedroom. Even since that first night I made progress. At first, I had to face him to let him hug me. But a few days later, holding me from behind was okay. But after that... I guess I sort of stalled. It wasn't anything we discussed at all. There was one night where he put his arm around me and his hand fell too low below my waist, it freaked me out. I immediately moved it further up. He just apologized, I said thanks, and that was it. After that, he remembered and made sure to keep his arm and hand at my waist.
There was also the the fact that I knew that some nights, after I'd fallen asleep, Dom would get up and go have a shower. The running water would wake me up. I had a pretty good idea what made a man decide to take a shower at 1AM, and it wasn't from suddenly feeling unclean. Not with my situation. I never told him I knew what he was doing, I was far too ashamed that I couldn't give him what he needed, no matter how much I wish I could.
I am, however, determined to somehow get past this. Maybe it's just a matter of making myself take tiny baby steps and gradually get more comfortable with not just touch, but where I'm being touched. So, when we turn out the lights and get comfortable, and Dom lays his arm over me, I grab his hand and move it lower, just an inch or two, but keep my hand on his, so it seems like I only adjusted his to make it easier for me to hold. He holds me a little tighter, his hand pressing into me softly. I think he knows what I'm doing... testing my own boundaries. His hand is resting below my waist, but not past the bikini line. Close, but not past. It made me slightly uncomfortable, but also slightly aroused, which surprises me. It's the first time I've felt anything like that since that day.
Deciding it must be a good sign, I lean back more against Dom, starting to feel more comfortable. With more of his body against mine, his body heat relaxes me. Just as I'm starting to consider maybe pushing his arm a tiny bit lower, just to see... I feel him pressing into my lower back. The slight arousal from just a minute ago becomes instant panic. I tell myself it;s okay, it's Dom, the man I love, who will be my husband in about a month. I take a deep breath and try my best to tolerate it. Dom though I think knew I was panicking because he pulls back away from me a little. I can still feel it, though. Still, I try to convince myself this is fine. It should be fine. But... after what feels like forever but was probably only about a minute, if even that, I push his arm off me and sit up, moving to the edge of the bed.
“I can't... I tried, but I can't...”
I hear Dom sigh, and the bed moves a bit, I assume he's sitting up. “I'm sorry...”
“It's not your fault, I'm the one who's damaged.” I wrap my arms around myself, I can't even turn around to look at him. This is so fucking shameful.
“You're not damaged, Bree. You just need more time. I should have backed away as soon as.... I don't know what I was thinking.”
“You were thinking like a normal man. Hopeful, I guess? I just...” I don't know how to finish the sentence, so I let it hang, trying to cry as quietly as I can. Dom could tell though, I'm sure my shoulders were moving, or he could hear me sniffing. I feel his hand on my shoulder, but I pull away. “Please don't. Not right now.”
“Alright, I'm sorry.”
“Stop apologizing!” I didn't mean to yell, but I'm tired of him acting like he had anything to apologize for. “This is my fault, Dom. You don't deserve this.”
He sighs again, then speaks so softly that under normal circumstances I probably wouldn't have heard him, but in the silent room it comes through clearly. “Neither do you.”
I have nothing to say to that, so I say nothing. I just sit there, and pull the blanket up trying to wrap it around my shoulders. I'm wearing a thin t-shirt and shorts but I feel very exposed. For a minute or so the only sound is our breathing, with intermittent sniffing from me trying to stop myself from crying. Then, softly...
“Is there anything I can do?”
Only one thing comes to mind. “Can I please have the room for the night?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
I still can't turn to face him. I hear him get up, the bed jostles a little as he does. Seconds later, the door closes softly. I lay down and curl up, pulling the blanket tight around myself, and end up crying myself to sleep.
* * * * * {{ Dr. Lucio's Office }} * * * * *
“That sounds very upsetting.”
“It was. And not just because I felt like I... disappointed him or something. I know I did, not that he would ever admit it. He's far too good of a man for that. But moreso that the one thing, just feeling him against me.... seemed like it negated all the progress I'd made as far as being comfortable with him.”
“How long ago was this?”
“Two nights.”
“Has he been back in the bedroom with you?”
“Yes, last night. But he didn't touch me at all. Just went to sleep on his side of the bed with enough room between us for a third person.”
“It doesn't sound like you negated anything, Bree. You had a minor setback. But the next night you were able to allow him back into your room. Maybe tonight, you can hug.”
I grin, I hadn't thought of it that way. “Maybe.”
“I did hear something I'd like to focus on, when you said you told him to stop apologizing because this is your fault. What exactly do you think is your fault?”
“All of it.”
“That's not specific.”
I sigh, annoyed. “Okay... the fact I can't tolerate more than a hug. He didn't even try to touch me any lower, didn't suggest anything sexual. I just felt his body react to being close to mine, and I couldn't handle it. How is that not my fault?”
“Let's go a bit deeper. You said 'all of it.' Does that mean you feel that your rape is your fault?”
I turn away, instantly feeling a knot in my throat. “Bree?” I nod, not looking up. “I need you to verbalize your answer. Own it.”
“Yes.”
“Why do you feel this way?”
“I... I lied. About the man he used to work for. He knew it and it pissed him off and he punished me for it.”
I couldn't get the words out fast enough. It almost felt like throwing up. The nastiness had to come out, but you still feel sick after. I feel hot tears going down my face. I hadn't said anything like that out loud since that day, after getting home from the hospital, and I said so to Dom. He told me I was wrong and I tried to believe him. But I guess I never did. I hear a rustling noise and look up. Dr. Lucio is handing me a tissue. I take it and dab at my face. She seems to be giving me a moment to collect myself before continuing.
“Do you think that punishment fit the crime?”
“No! He went too far. Obviously. But that doesn't mean what he said to me wasn't right. He... he called me a hypocrite and a liar. I was wrong. I've done so many terrible things over the years, not just the lie he was mad at me about. Maybe its like... cumulative. God, or the universe or whatever decided to throw all my punishment at me at once, with this. Maybe that's why I can't get past this... it's just more punishment. And Dom doesn't deserve it.” I dab my eyes with the tissue again. My throat hurts. I hate everything about this. Why did I this was a good idea?
“Neither do you.” I look up with a start. She used the same phrase I told her Dom said to me, and the look on her face tells me it was deliberate. “I have a thought to share with you, for you to consider.”
“Okay.”
“What happened to you... being attacked, being raped... was not caused by something you did or didn't do. It was something that happened to you, by someone else's choices and outside of your control. Would you like to know what I believe is happening here?”
“Yes, please.”
“I think, that in your subconscious mind, you are punishing yourself. All of these issues you've told me about today, but mainly the mental block on intimacy with your fiance. You aren't allowing yourself to have that intimacy, because you blame yourself for what happened to you. You don't think you deserve that intimacy, because you believe you caused all of this.” I feel more tears, and realize I'm nodding. “But you didn't, Bree.”
“But-”
“That man chose to contact you about doing your wedding photos. He chose to lure you to that studio. He chose to hold you there against your will. He chose to violate you. None of the blame for any of that falls on your shoulders. It lies solely on his. The only person who deserves punishment for what happened to you, is Jude Nelson.” I cringe at hearing his name. “You? You deserve to heal. To feel safe, to feel loved. I don't believe that can start to happen until you let go of blaming yourself.”
My tissue is ruined. Dr. Lucio hands me another one, and I discreetly blow my nose.
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“This is going to sound trite, but it's truly the only way. Trust in yourself.”
I scoff. “You're right, that does sound trite. How am I supposed to trust myself when I blame myself?”
“You blame yourself here.” She points to her temple. “But you know better, here.” She then points to her heart. “And that's what you have to trust. Keep this in mind, Bree. You're only responsible for your own words and actions. Not how other people react to them. Digest and process that for a bit, okay?” I nod, wiping at my eye with my finger, instead of the tissue I blew my nose in. “You've done really well today, you acknowledged a lot. I know it's painful and it might not seem like it helped much, but it will.”
“I feel like it will. Thank you for seeing me.”
“Just doing my job.” Dr. Lucio gives me a small grin. “If you need me again, just call. I will make time for you.”
“Thank you.”
As I drove home, I thought about everything that Dr. Lucio said. She made it sound so easy. Just... somehow believe that none of this was my fault and I'll magically be able to let Dom touch me? It seems too good to be true, whether I brought this on myself or not. One thing Dr. Lucio said stuck out more than the rest, about only being responsible for my own actions, not anyone else's. It seems like a contradiction to cause and effect.... but I really hope it's true.
ON CAMERA
Seated on a concrete bench outside the Westin on Beale Street in Memphis, Bree Lancaster is looking not into the camera, but across the street. The shot pans around to show the FedEx Forum, then swings back around to Bree. She's dressed more casually than we have been used to seeing her, her hair down and minimal makeup, in knee length black denim shorts and a gray t-shirt, plan black sneakers completing her outfit. Bree brushes her hair back with one hand, and provides a weak smile.
This isn't where I thought I would be. And I don't mean Memphis. I mean in SCW. I took losing to Cid in stride.... I am proud of my performance in the Flame... well, most of it. Until Owen Cruze pushed me out.
Bree sighs.
I thought I was going to call him out, challenge him to face me at Rise to Greatness. I said I was going to have to find another way to make things better, and giving Owen a humbling he desperately needs? Would have made this place better. I have to tell you the truth though and admit that part of my desire to fight him is personal. He embarrassed me. I was in that ring for over thirty minutes. I threw out Ravyn Taylor. I helped toss Xander Valentine. Almost everyone else who was eliminated was thrown or otherwise forced over the top rope. Me? I just fell. Owen was kicking my hands and feet and I lost my balance and fell.
It's almost a metaphor for the way most of this year has been for me. A fall from grace, so to speak. Professionally and personally. I've been working on getting my confidence back, my pride. I thought I was going to be able to do that by facing and hopefully beating the person who eliminated me in such a... anticlimactic way. But no... I can't do that, because Owen Cruze is a petulant and perpetual child, and he refuses to come back, pay the fine that is a consequence of his actions, and fulfill his contract. There are so many things wrong with this situation that I don't know where to start. I guess in a way it doesn't matter, because he isn't going to be around to face up to all of it.
I do want to make one point though, and then I'll do as he so politely asked me on Twitter and 'fuck off'....
For years, a lot of people have called me spoiled. They assumed that just because I came into some money that immediately made me that way. But the truth is that I am not spoiled in the slightest. I never have been. I didn't grow up rich. We weren't poor either, my dad's job provided well enough for my mom to be able to stay home and raise my brothers and me, and we never went without. But rich? Far from it. I've worked for everything I have. Amy didn't pull punches when she trained me. She made me finish college before even agreeing to do it. I lived in her attic for over a year, until I got my signing bonus when VWA took a chance on me in 2014. You can throw Blake and his money in my face if you want, but I never wanted and I don't have a penny of his money. My money? Came from a modeling contract I negotiated myself with Dior. And that's it. Modeling might not sound like hard work, and I will give you that I only got the opportunity thanks to my job with SCW. But I still worked for and earned it. I wasn't born into money, like Owen. I had nothing just handed to me. I know he tried a long time to overcome the stigma of that... and for a time, maybe he did. But now he's just ruined it by taking his ball and going home. He is everything everyone was afraid he would turn out to be, everything he didn't want to be. It's a shame really, all he had to do was grow up. I guess some people are just afraid to evolve.
Bree shrugs, her hands in the air.
So, I won't get to face the person I wanted at Rise to Greatness, and while I was mad about it, I'm not going to yell or throw a tantrum. I am simply going to dust it off and move on. That leaves me with as of right now not knowing what I'll be doing at Rise to Greatness. It's a very different situation than I was in last year. Last year, I was World Champion walking in, preparing to face David Helms. This year... who knows?
All I do know, is that later tonight, I am stepping into the ring with an SCW legend in Katie Steward. The first woman to be World Champion in SCW. Hall of Fame. This isn't the first time Katie and I have fought each other, it seems to be a yearly occasion. I have to give her credit for still being around. This is a tough business and careers don't usually last as long as Katie's has. She can still go... when she wants to.
It makes me sad in a way, to see someone who was one of the women who raised the bar here in SCW, seem to be perfectly fine with allowing her star to fall. Katie Steward could be in any title contention she wanted. She has the credentials. She has the talent. But.... she doesn't have the drive. Katie comes to Breakdown, fights whatever match she's given, and win or lose... that's it. She doesn't seem to care one way or the other. It seems like she is happy to collect her paycheck, show herself off, thinking she's an actress.... instead of being a wrestler and aspiring to be something more.
Katie... is complacent.
Bree shakes her head in disappointment.
And hey, if just coming to work and being seen and getting paid is what makes Katie, happy? More power to her. Me, though? I could never be happy being complacent. I could never be happy just... coasting. I am always working to be better. I was taught from a young age, first by my brothers then by Amy, that no one is ever done improving. Even if you're thought of as one of the best at what you do, like I was for the last two years or so.... there is always room to be better. I have long said that I want to be known as the best in this company, and I don't think it's vain or egotistical to say that for a few months there... I was. Maybe I still am, even though I've had some tough breaks. If I have slipped though, I know I can get back there. It always seems to be hardest to climb to the top the first time, than it is to get back up there the second and third. And that's because the hardest work has already been done. You've figured out what you need to do to make it. If you fall, all you have to do is push yourself to do what you know how to do, and fight your way back up.
I know how to get to the top. Katie knows, too. She just doesn't seem to want to do the work it takes to get there again.
Bree stands up and points at herself with one finger, determination all over her face.
I do.
I know I've cut some corners in the past, I've achieved a few things in ways that I look back on now and I am not very proud of some of them. But even through that, I always put in the work. I always trained hard, I always fought hard. Sometimes too hard... I can't take back those things I did, but I can do better from here. Be better.
I'm not where I want to be. I wanted to be going into Rise to Greatness as World Champion again, or at least challenging for it. I'm not either one, and I have no claim on it right now, I was beat in my rematch. It's out of my hands, for now. All I can do, is work the best I can with what I have, the position I am in, and make sure that no matter where I am on the card, who I am facing... that I have the match of the night. Make sure that everyone knows I will never turn my back on this place just because I can't get what I want. Owen can insult SCW the rest of his life, but I will defend it for the rest of mine. It's not perfect, because no place is. No boss is. But even when I had complaints with certain things, I was always proud to represent SCW, the best promotion in the world. SCW has done more for me both professionally and personally than I can ever say thank you enough for, or repay.
I don't just work for SCW... I am a part of SCW. And as long as they'll have me, I will I prove over and over and over again... that I will never settle for just coming to work. I will never be complacent.
I want to be better, to be the best, to work my way back up to where I was, where I know I can be again.
It starts tonight with Katie. I hope she decides to work.
Bree folds her arms and stares off to the side again, at the arena across the street. The shot turns to show the building, and briefly focuses on the FedEx Forum sign before fading out.