Breakdown 12-16-21 #1
November 26
West Hollywood
Blackwood Coffee Bar
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Thanks to my promise to Gail a few days ago, I was sitting at the Blackwood Coffee Bar in West Hollywood, not too far from my old apartment. I could have been a bitch and made her drive all the way to Santa Barbara to meet me, since she asked for this.... but I decided I could pay Nate a visit afterwards so I offered to drive down. It was time I told Nate about Coral anyway. I'd been sitting at a table outside waiting for Gail to arrive for about fifteen minutes. I had an iced mocha, I didn't feel like hot coffee today. I looked at my phone to check the time again, and when I looked back up, Gail was walking towards my table. She had a large paper cup in hand; she'd gotten something hot. She gave me a small smile as she sat across from me.
“I hope you weren't waiting too long. Traffic.”
“Not too long.”
“I'm glad you decided to come.”
“I told you I would, I don't break my word.”
“Just the same.” She smiled, and sipped her coffee. I swirled the ice in my cup.
“So, this was your idea. What do you want to talk to me about?”
“In a word, Coral.”
“I knew that. But what about her? She told you we argued, and?”
“And... some things just don't add up. Up til that argument it seemed you two were getting along so well. It made me happy, even if you and I hadn't really spoken much. I got the feeling you were upset with me again, but I don't know why.”
“I wasn't. I'm not. Not for anything specific, anyway.”
Gail raised an eyebrow, but ignored that. “So, Coral came over the day after your fight, she was very upset. She told me you accused her of trying to steal your boyfriend, but she swears it was just a misunderstanding. She-”
I interrupted her by laughing. Gail was very confused by my reaction. “Wow. That's what she said?”
Gail nodded. “That's it, yes. She said she knew you were upset by the incident and when she tried to apologize, you cussed her out and had her thrown out of your bar.”
“It's Tommy's bar, not mine. But, yeah, I made her leave. That's the only true thing she told you.”
“Like I said, something didn't add up. I wanted to hear about it from your side.”
“I don't mind telling you, but first of all... I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything, so you might hear something you'd rather not know.”
“That's fine.”
“But I don't understand why you care. It's between Coral and me.”
“Because you're both my daughters. And I would very much like it if all of us could get along. Like the family we should have been.”
I stared at her a few seconds. “Wait, you're serious.” She nodded. “You really think that's possible?”
“I hope so.”
“After I tell you what your daughter did to me, maybe you'll understand why that's never going to happen.”
Gail took a deep breath. “Okay. This is what I wanted to see you for. Tell me.”
“Alright. To make a long story short, she tricked my boyfriend into sleeping with her, then tried to act like it was a mistake once he realized what happened.”
Gail blinked her eyes in shock a few times. “Oh.. my God.... really?”
“I tried to just ignore her, I had no reason to speak to her after that, but she came to the club when I was working and couldn't walk away. She claimed she was trying to apologize, but I'm not stupid. She had set the whole thing up. I called her out on the bullshit. And she admitted it.”
“To setting him up?”
“Yep. So, I guess in her twisted head she thought telling you I accused her of trying to steal him was halfass true, except she didn't want him for herself, she just wanted to fuck with me.”
Gail shook her head, looking down at her coffee. “I was afraid it was something like that.”
“What? Why would you say that?”
Gail looked up, she seemed upset. “It's just that... well, she's been upset since I told her about you. I have to tell you that she's always been something of a troublemaker-”
“You don't say?” Gail ignored my comment.
“-so it doesn't surprise me that she'd pull something like that. Especially if she's still angry that you exist.”
“You know what, Gail, maybe she learned all these tricks from being raised by you.”
Gail took a sharp breath, as if my words hurt her. Maybe they did. “I know I've made mistakes. Some much bigger than others.” She gestured towards me. “But I have owned up to every single one of them, I thought you understood, I thought we were moving past that.”
“I thought so, too. Until I spent more time with Coral and she told me what it was like growing up with you as a mother.”
Gail shook her head again. “Whatever she told you, Kandis... she lied.”
“Oh really? And how would you know that, if you don't know what she told me?”
“Are you really asking me that, after what you just told me she did to you and your boyfriend?”
“I...” I had no response to that. Had Coral really been setting me up this entire time?
“What did Coral say about me?”
“Um... that you were mostly absent, because you paid more attention to the shitty guys you dated. Most of them drunks, abusers, just not good guys.”
Gail shook her head again. “None of that s true. I had one partner, after her father walked. We were together ten, maybe eleven years. Until I found out he was cheating on me. I ended things immediately. Coral was devastated, she loved him like a father, but she understood why I had to make him go. She was fifteen or sixteen at the time. After that, it was just me and her. Until you discovered the truth about me. When I told her about you, she claimed you were trying to scam me somehow. Which of course is impossible, you were just looking for answers. I told her I knew you weren't, because I'd kept tabs on you the whole time, the best I could.”
I just listened, and tried not to rage at that reminder. Gail had known all my life about me, where I was, how I was doing... all the while I thought she was dead. She explained to me why she did what she did when I was a baby, I understood it, but that doesn't heal everything that's happened to me in life because of it. I nodded, prompting her to go on.
“Well, she then became very belligerent, angry that I'd lied to her for her whole life. She claimed you were going to take me from her, because you were my child first. I told her I would never let that happen, I-”
“Of course not. She's the child you raised.” Gail winced. “I don't mean that as a cheap shot, it's just a fact.”
“Of course. So, I let her be angry a little while. I deserved it. But then we had a long, deep talk. At the end of it, I thought Coral understood that the only thing about her life that had really changed, was that she now has a sister. She said she decided to get to know you. I though she had accepted all of this...” Gail shook her head once more. I thought she was gonna make herself dizzy. “It appears she didn't. She has been playing you and I against each other, Kandis. She lied to you about me, probably to make you think I'm a terrible person so you'd stay away from me. She told me that one day you said you hated me and you wished I had actually died.” I didn't remember saying that, but it could have been true. Not that I was going to tell Gail that. “I didn't want to believe that, you and I had that moment, you remember? About sacrifice for the ones you love?”
I nodded. We had dinner with the Williamsons and the night ended with Gail and I hugging, and I had cried. It was that night when I really understood what she had done for me. “Yeah. I actually think about that a lot.”
“I assumed she misunderstood you, and let it go. Then this argument happened, and just the way she was acting... I had a feeling it was over something she started, and she was trying to turn me against you. There would be no other reason for her to tell me about something that personal between you. This is why I wanted to talk to you. I had to know the truth.”
I sat there stunned for a few moments. Everything was becoming clear in my head. Coral had been working me the whole time, and I never saw it. She wanted me to hate Gail, and she wanted Gail to think I was a terrible person.
“I'll be damned. She actually told me the truth when she admitted to setting Tommy up.”
“What do you mean?”
“She said she wanted to fuck up my life like I fucked up hers. She didn't want to share you.”
“God.” Gail shook her head yet again.
“Are you aware that you raised a psychopath?”
That gets a dry smile. “Like I said, she's always been a troublemaker. But this... is a new level.”
“Its almost like upending a person's entire life is traumatizing or something.”
“Kandis....” She looked ready to cry.
“Sorry... I'm really not trying to be mean. I'm just still dealing with all of this, too.”
“I know. My biggest regret in life is the way I handled both of my daughters. You, for the way I felt I had to give you up. And her for never telling her about my previous life. I wish my apologies to you would make up for Coral's behavior, because ultimately it's my fault.”
I leaned forward, I could feel my face hardening. “Hey. That's bullshit. Do you see me going out of my way to make your life hell? Or Corey and Sydney's? Or even Coral's? Do you know how easy it would have been for me to hate her? Because you chose to keep her, and not me. But I didn't do that. I gave her a chance, I accepted her as part of my family, my life. I'm not the one out here trying to fuck everything up. She and I have the same set of circumstances to deal with. We have a sister we never knew about. How either one of us react to that isn't on you. I chose to go against every instinct I have and accept it, because shutting people out hasn't really done me any favors over the last thirty years or so. Coral? She chose to be a selfish bitch.”
“And you don't think that reflects on me? I did raise her.”
“You did. But she's a goddamn adult and she made her own choices. All I know is... she can't be trusted. I'm sorry you won't get the happy family you wanted, but that's her fault, not yours.”
Gail sighed, and looked off into the distance for a few seconds. “I could try to talk to her. Make her understand that you-” She turned back to me. “-aren't a threat to her. I can be here for you both.”
“You can try if you want. I don't think it'll do any good. It doesn't matter what you do, I'm not speaking to her again. It would be one thing if she only fucked with me. But she brought Tommy into it, too. That's just....” I clenched my hands in and out, I really wanted to break some bones. “I admit I told her she won, you were all hers, and I was done with you both. But that's what she wants, for me to not have anything to do with you.”
“What do you really want, Kandis? Forget Coral's manipulations.”
I shrugged. “I've gone back and forth in my head, how I feel about you. I know I've told you this before, part of me wants to hate you but part of me can't. I'm not going to let Coral be a deciding factor, though. I'm not really ready to give up trying to have an adult relationship with you, now that I know how much she lied.”
The thought did cross my mind how it was strange that we both so easily believed each other over Coral. Yet, Gail knew her, she raised her. If she took my word over hers, that said something big. That's how I knew I could trust Gail. Gail smiled at me, she looked relaxed for the first time since getting here.
“I'm very glad to hear that. I am going to try to talk to Coral again. Maybe I'm foolish but I don't believe things are meant to end like this.”
“Okay, do what you feel you need to do. Good luck. I just don't think there's anything she can do or say to make this up to me. Us.”
“You're probably right. But I have to try. You're my girls.” Gail smiled. I wished I had her optimism. “I'm so glad you met with me today.”
“I'm glad I came.”
We said our goodbyes, I promised to stay in touch, and we went our separate ways. So, Gail wasn't a terrible neglectful mother after all. Coral was just a manipulative bitch, trying to keep Gail and I apart. It isn't her fucking decision.
November 29
Hollywood
SRS Studios
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After meeting with Gail, I did go to Nate's like I planned. He had just got home from a job, but Carissa was still at work and the kids were at school (well, daycare for Devin, he's 4) so it was just us. I told him everything – well, about Coral's bullshit at the party. I was still unsure what he would think about me and Tommy's deal so I left that out for the time being. After I told him everything, Nate agreed with me that it was telling that Gail took my word over her daughter's, and that cutting Coral off was the right call. He also tried to say that it was better I found out her true colors now, rather than a year or two from now, when we might have gotten closer. I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. I had accepted her and got burned. I don't think the timing would have mattered.
The weekend did prove productive though. Tommy had got an old friend of his to look into the internet articles that were causing trouble. Tommy had been far more concerned about it than I was, I don't give a fuck what people think, we know the truth. I hadn't considered though how it would affect people close to us. Like when Nate asked me what was going on because Carla read things and was worried. So, Kyle was digging deeper and trying to find who, whether it was one person or a few, was behind this, and more importantly to Tommy – how to make it stop. Kyle had gotten some information that shocked us, it was one person and they were based in Santa Barbara. Part of me wondered if it was Coral somehow, except she lived in Hollywood Hills, and I know she wouldn't have traveled to a Breakdown just to get that shot of me and Drake that was put out there. So I didn't say anything. After Tommy told me about Kirsten showing up at the house, upset because their kids were getting shit at school... I knew I had to start taking this thing more seriously. Nothing new had come out recently, as far as other pictures. There had been nothing to get a picture of, at least on my end. I don't know what Tommy had been up to. The sites were just repeating old stuff an coming up with new conjecture based on minor details on TV. “Look, Kandis stood closer to Hemingway than Valentine! What does it mean?!” That kind of stupidity. It was all bullshit. Well... most of it. There was a close call though, Kyle had caught them trying to publish something pretty inflammatory and blatantly false, and he managed to stop it before it got published.
The following Monday though, I was happy to have a day away from all of that noise. Tommy and I were meeting Nate and Ray at SRS Studios in Hollywood, it was submission day for the film prop contest. We had to go in person, bring our pieces, and fill out paperwork. When Tommy and I got there, Nate and Ray were waiting for us near the entrance. Both were carrying small boxes, containing their pieces. Nate had shown me his when I was at his place over the weekend. It's a simple statue of a Jack Russell terrier... except she has three legs. Apparently he had a dog like that when he was young, before I came into the family. Both their small boxes looked comical compared to mine. Tommy was pulling a small hand cart, with a crate on it. My interlocking handcuffs piece was nearly three feet tall, the base was two feet square, just under the specifications for the contest. I had shown Nate pictures of it but Ray knew nothing. As we walked up to them, he pointed and chuckled.
“What on earth is that?”
“Art.” I smirked.
“Is that even within the specs?”
“Barely.”
Ray shook his head at me Nate laughed.
“You know she has to use every inch she's allowed.”
I looked up at Nate, amused, trying not to laugh.
“She's very good at that, by the way.” Tommy's comment broke me, and I laughed, hard. Nate and Tommy did too, but Ray just seemed bewildered. He was never one for crude jokes.
“I'm going to assume that was something dirty and I won't ask.” We all laughed again. Ray eyed my crate suspiciously. “That piece isn't going to embarrass me, is it?”
“Of course not, Ray. It's just giant handcuffs.”
“W... what?” More laughter.
“Seriously. You'll see. It's not dirty, I promise.”
Ray just shook his head, I don't think he believed me.
We walked towards the entrance, Nate hung back with me while Ray and Tommy went on ahead, Ray offered to show Tommy where to wheel my piece.
“So, dare I ask how this internet bullshit is going?”
“It's still bullshit. That's pretty much it.” I shrugged. “Is Carla still worried about it?”
Nate sighs. “Honestly? She doesn't believe any of it. I was the one actually concerned.”
I put a hand over my chest in mock surprise. “Nooo, really?”
“Hey, I'm trying to be serious here.”
“Sorry...”
“It's just that I know how you are better than Carla does. I can't say anything about the story about Tommy and that girl-”
“I told you, she's one of our students. They just happened to run into each other at that bar.”
“I remember what you said. But then they ran with you and your friend Drake. That's what concerned me, cause I saw the look on your face in that picture. I know how long you've known him. I'm gonna ask you point blank, what's going on?”
Dammit. I had forgotten how much I really told Nate about my work when I first started wrestling, all the way back in Emerge. Had I ever mentioned back then that I had been trying to get the man in bed? I didn't remember. It's possible. I sighed. “Fine. I'll tell you everything, but not here. I don't want Ray to overhear, I know he wouldn't understand.”
Nate gave me a sideways look, and paused mid-step. I had to stop walking so I wouldn't leave him behind. “Wait... so you are...?” He didn't finish the question, but he didn't have to. I looked ahead, Ray and Tommy were far enough ahead of us that I knew they couldn't hear us.
“Yes, but it's fine. We're okay. I promise.”
Nate just looked at me a moment, then I saw it click. “Oh. OH. So you're one of those kind of relationships.”
We started walking again. “Oh good, I don't have to actually explain.”
“So wait, the student?” I said nothing, and just looked ahead as we walked. “Got it.”
“Like I said... we're fine.”
“So the reporters are only half right?”
“Something like that. But we can't exactly explain that, because it involves other people.”
“Okay. Look, whatever you guys agree to do, that's your business. I'm just glad no one's actually screwing around, and this isn't anything toxic. I'm not really up for seeing you go through something like that again.”
I stopped again and stuck my finger into my brother's chest. “I'm gonna stop you right there, because the last time you brought that up, I had nightmares for like two weeks. I freaked out, I had to explain the whole thing to Tommy. So I really don't want to get into that shit today, when we're supposed to be doing something fun.”
Nate sighed. I realized we were near the door and there was a line to get in. Tommy and Ray were a few people ahead of us. “I'm sorry. I didn't know it affected you that much.”
“I didn't think it would either. But look, I had literally forgotten about all of it, until you said his name. Maybe it just fucked me up because I remembered it all at once.”
“Maybe. But, I won't talk about it anymore. There isn't a reason to, since you're obviously in a much better situation.”
That made me smile. “I really am. I promise you, everything is fine.”
I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked and saw Tommy.
“Hey, we noticed you weren't right behind us anymore so we came back here.”
“Yeah, sorry. We were talking.”
“Looks like the doors are open, we'll be in soon.”
I looked ahead towards the doors and Ray was right. People were walking in.
It didn't take long for us to get through the doors. SRS Studios was using a soundstage not currently being used in any productions to host the contest. There was a sign on the door explaining that it would be used in the film we were entering the contest for, so we might see some set pieces and other props. Ray and Nate went ahead, there were several table set up for registration. Nate had told me that they didn't really advertise the contest, it was basically word of mouth, but Hollywood is apparently like a giant high school, because there were at least two hundred people in attendance. Tommy and I were led to a table where it seemed like the larger pieces were being taken in. I only had to wait for one other person ahead of me before I was next. A man younger than me dressed like he time traveled from the 90s grunge scene greeted me with a smile.
“Good morning, guys! I'm Bryce and I'll help you get signed up.” Bryce did a double take after speaking, but didn't say anything. I think he recognized us. “So, which one of you is the entering artist?”
“That would be me.” I waved with a little smile.
“Great. Here's the entry form, please make sure everything applicable is filled out. And you sir, if you don't mind unboxing that while she fills that out?”
“Sure thing, man.”
I started filling out the paperwork while Tommy opened the crate containing my piece. After it was out of the box, I saw Bryce take measurements, then a few pictures with his phone from different angles. Just as they were boxing it back up, I finished the form.
“Here you go. Do you need anything else?”
Bryce looked over my form as another young man I hadn't seen before stuck a large sticker to my crate. It looked like a runner's number tag, my number was 143. “Oh. I'm sorry. You didn't fill out your complete name.” Bryce handed the clipboard back to me, but I didn't take it.
“Yeah, I know. I did that on purpose. I only use my first name professionally.”
“Understood, and you can use whatever name you'd like to be listed as for the competition, and in credits if you win, but for legal reasons we need your full legal name on the form.” He extended the clipboard a little further. I glared... but it wasn't this guys fault. I took it back with a grunt.
“Fine.” I scribbled my last name on the line. “Where do I put what name I want used?”
“Its the box right under there, it says 'pseudonym.'”
“Oh... I didn't see that...” I wrote in just 'Kandis' in that box, then handed the thing back. Bryce looked it over again, then nodded.
“Perfect! Thanks for your entry and good luck.”
“Thanks.”
We walked off, leaving my art behind, cart and all. Tommy and I walked around the large soundstage. I had been inside more than a few, when I was a teenager and going on jobs with Ray when he was teaching me sculpture and how to paint them. Tommy hadn't though, so I didn't mind walking around, looking at the half-built set pieces and other props that were around. One was an old car, looked like from the 60s or 70s to me, and Tommy had a good look at that, he loved it. After we walked away from it, Tommy slid his arm around my waist as we walked.
“I want to ask you something.”
“Just ask.”
“The entry form. Why was it such a big deal to fill out your name?”
“Come on babe, you know I hate my last name. I try as hard as I can to use it as little as possible.” It's so stupid. When I was found half-dead as a baby, Gail told police she only knew my first name, as that was all my dead mother had told her. So Child Services listed my last name as Park, as I was found in a park. How fucking creative, right? It's even worse now that I know Gail lied, she knew my whole name, because she was my mother.
“Right, I remember what you told me how you got it. Have you ever considered just changing it?”
I stopped and looked at him, frowning. “To what?”
“Your foster family's?”
I shook my head. “I asked that back in the day. The only way they'd let me do that was if the Williamsons adopted me. They wanted to, but they couldn't afford the legal fees.”
“That's a real shame. I always wondered why that didn't happen but didn't want to ask.”
“Babe, you can ask me anything, you know that.”
“Yeah, I know. Just though it might be touchy.”
“Debbie was really upset about it. I was disappointed but it didn't matter too much because I still lived with them regardless. I didn't need a piece of legal paper to consider them my family. I still don't.”
“It would have changed your name, though.”
“Yeah.... but I didn't make a big deal about it because Debbie was already upset.”
“I can see that. So, what about after you were an adult? Can't you just pick a name you want and change it with the courts?”
I shook my head. “I looked into that a long time ago. It's not that easy, and it's really fucking expensive, unless you're getting married. Otherwise, you have to pay a huge fee and give some kind of justification for why you want to change it, and then it has to be approved. The whole thing is completely ridiculous.”
“Really? That's absurd.”
“Anything to make money I guess. I didn't have it back when I looked into it.”
“Okay...” I could tell he was thinking, he was looking for a way to fix this for me. It was kind of touching. “What about now? You found your biological family, the Destrehans. That's as good a reason as any to change it.”
I shook my head again. “Even that's not simple. My mother doesn't use that name anymore, legally Carla Destrehan is dead. She's Gail McCarthy now, so if I wanted to match my mother, I'd have to use that. But that's also Coral's name... and I don't want anything connecting me to that fucking bitch.”
“So just use Destrehan anyway. You wouldn't have to admit that your mother isn't dead.”
“I brought that up once, Gail had a fit.”
“Sorry, I'm just trying to-”
“I know.” I smiled. “Thanks. But its too complicated. So, I just don't use it unless they make me. I'm used to it.”
Tommy just nodded, but didn't say anything else. I wanted to ask what he was thinking, but I was also a little afraid of what the answer might be, so I said nothing.
After Nate and Ray were done – both registering and talking to people they knew from the industry – the four of us left SRS Studios and found a restaurant for lunch. No one brought up the internet bullshit, or anything in SCW, or Coral, or anything else that had been under my skin recently. I even almost forgot that Nate had briefly reminded me about my asshole ex, Jackson. That memory was starting to fade back into oblivion finally. It seemed that once Tommy and me worked out our issues that came from having to fight each other in Trios, thinking about Jackson didn't bother me so much anymore. He was just an asshole, not a trigger for me to freak out thinking someone was trying to control me. Tommy would never do that. I knew that as sure as I knew my own hated name.