Breakdown 9-16-21 #1

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August 4
Santa Barbara
Ante Up Academy
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It was a little over a week after Rise to Greatness, and I was at Ante Up getting a workout in before my striking class. The last week and change, Tommy and I had spent celebrating our win in as many creative ways as we could come up with, that didn't physically damage the belts. Even though we were both pleased with ourselves for what we did, Tommy had an air of... I don't even know how to explain it. Aloofness? Distraction? Every now and then in bed (or on the couch, or in the pool, wherever we happened to be) he'd look at me oddly for a second or two, then it would go away and he'd continue like nothing happened. I don't think he even noticed. But I did. It made me wonder if he somehow knew what I'd done the night of the pool party, or rather I should say who. I 'd told no one, I didn't know what do to, how to handle it. Ashley had been texting me, making comments at the academy when I saw him for training. It was clear to me that he thought what we did meant something, like we had a thing. Again. He'd stopped short of either asking me or flat out stating it, but after over a year of knowing him, working with him, and... yeah, okay, fucking him, I knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. Problem was, I had no idea what I was thinking. Was it a thing? Or was I just too drunk to stop myself when I knew better? And on top of all of that... did Tommy know, and was he just waiting for me to confess? I'd never felt anything like this before and I hate it.

I was at the academy before almost anyone else, other than Tish and Gable. Tommy had business to take care of at the Starmaker today, and my class didn't start until ten. It was just after nine and I was on the leg press, getting my reps in. Gotta keep the ass in shape, I can't let all the thirsty boys and girls down. When I was done, there were a few more people in the gym, but no one I really knew. I wanted to throw some kicks, even though I was a champion again everything else going on had me frustrated as fuck. I went to the back where the hanging heavy bags were, did a few stretches, then let loose. After about a dozen good shots, I saw Tish out of the corner of my eye pointing in my direction. I turned my head, and saw her talking to Nate.

What the fuck was my brother doing here? My first thought was, had something happened to Debbie or Ray and he drove up here because I wasn't answering my phone? He did look a little concerned. I grabbed the bag to stop it from swinging and stood there waiting for him to walk up to me, arms crossed.

“You're a hard woman to get in touch with here lately.”

“Must be, if you hauled your ass all the way up here from West Hollywood. Is something wrong?”

“Wrong? Well, that depends on your definition of wrong.”

“Is someone hurt? Sick? Dying?”

Nate chuckled. I guess not. I relaxed even before he spoke. “No. Nothing like that. I just didn't see any other way to talk to my sister, who has apparently forgotten how phones work.”

I sighed. “Dude, I talked to you the day after Rise.”

“Yeah, cause I called you. And it was about two minutes long. That's not a conversation. I don't want to chit chat, Kandis. I want to talk to you.”

I sighed again, accompanied by an eye roll. “You mean like something serious, don't you?”

Nate stepped closer to me. “Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.”

“Well, you drove all the way up here, spit it out.”

“I'm worried about you.”

I laughed. I knew that's what he was gonna say. “Worried? Why? Because I've been busy?”

Nate shot me a glare. “There's busy, and then there's avoidance. When was the last time you came over just to have a beer and shoot the shit, huh? The only times you stop doing that are when something's wrong.”

“Did you think about this for more than five seconds before you got in your Tahoe and drove up here? I live out here now, I work here when I'm not doing shit for SCW, I still do art when I can...”

“And none of that actually denies something is wrong.”

“Nate.”

Just then, I saw a man walk in the front door, and instantly recognized the figure. Tall, thin but muscular, coffee-and-cream colored skin... I watched as Ashley walked in and past us. He gave me a wink as he walked by, on the way to the locker rooms. That wink was just more of the same brazen flirtatious bullshit he'd been pulling the last few days.

“Kandis...?”

I turned back to my brother. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“What's with that guy?”

“Oh, um... he's one of the students coming to my class later. I'm just surprised he's early.” That wasn't a lie.

“Oh...okay. Anyway, as I was saying....I understand that you're busy. You have work commitments, you just found out about more of your biological family, and I get that. It just feels like more than just 'being busy.' You've always had a lot of things going on, and you've never flat out ignored us before. We miss you, and I'm worried.”

I shook my head. “Why don't you tell me exactly what you're worried about? I know you well enough to know you have a specific issue.”

Nate sighed at that, annoyed. He crossed his arms to match mine. “Alright. In a word... Jackals.”

I scoffed. “Really? That's what you drove all the way up here for, to talk to me about my friends?”

“Friends?! Those people are monsters!”

“Monsters? Really?”

“I've seen what you all have been doing in the last few months. Things I never thought I'd see you do, or even be a party to. Attacking people, hurting people. Carla and Devin get upset every week, every time they see you doing something they don't understand.”

“So don't let them watch me anymore.” Carla was sixteen now for fucks sake, she chouldn't be that upset.

“That's your answer? Really?!”

I stepped closer, there was barely any space between us now. I wasn't afraid of Nate. “Yes, that's my answer! What did you expect me to do, say 'oh okay Nate, I'll just abandon my friends because a teenager and toddler are scared'?” Well, nearly 5 is in't really a toddler, but... point remains.

Nate took a step back, shaking his head. “Those people changed you, Kandy. I wish you'd see it. Minerva, Drake... maybe Tommy too, he's going along with this. And then there's-”

“Hey!” I stepped up, closing the distance again, and jabbed my pointy-nailed finger into Nate's chest. “Drake is the first friend I made in this business other than Ryan, and Tommy is the man I love, you don't get to come in my face and start disrespecting them! They haven't changed a damn thing about me.”

“What about Minerva, huh? You didn't act out like this until you started hanging around with her.”

“She's my friend and she gets me. Do you really want to know what happened, Nate? What the Jackals really did to me?”

Nate spread his arms out, shaking his hands. “Yes! Please, explain, because the person I'm talking to right now? Isn't my sister.”

“First of all Nate, I'm not actually your sister, okay?” He cringed, like I'd physically hurt him. “Don't give me that look, I'm just stating a fact.” He frowned. “Second though... is that my friends didn't change a damn thing about me. I'm the one who let myself get too soft. I let my guard down, I lost my edge... they're helping me find myself again.”

Nate shook his head again. “That's not any better. You've been too hard most of the time I've known you, since the first day I met you. I know why you had to be that way back then, but you don't have to be anymore. I thought you were past that, I thought you'd grown... I like the softer you better.”

I crossed my arms again, glaring. “Well that's just too bad, because I didn't. The softer me believed people when they said I could trust them, I let people get too close and they fucked me over. The softer me started to believe that my birth mother was really a good person who just fell into hard times and couldn't climb out. Turns out she's a lying cunt who failed not one, but two children. So excuse me if I don't want to be soft anymore!”

“Look, I know you've gone through some shit in the last year or so. Your biological family, shit at work... but none of that is a reason to shut down. Or shut us out. Again.” Nate's confrontational tone was gone, he was back to sounding concerned. The fact his tone changed was the only reason I didn't walk away from the conversation right there.

“Again?”

“Yeah. Again. Like you did right after kickboxing fell apart after that bullshit DQ. And the time right before you met the guy who trained you to wrestle, after everything that happened with Jackson.”

As soon as the name left his mouth, Nate cringed at himself. He knew he's spoken out of turn. I glared and stepped up and shoved him away from me so hard he actually stumbled backwards.

“I can't believe you just said that name to me!”

“I know, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to talk about it, just... making a point.”

I took a moment to calm myself, my breathing had gone heavy with rage. The balls, the fucking balls he had to even bring that up at all!

“Point fucking taken.”

Nate put his hands up in defeat. “I said I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you go down a hole like that again.”

“What makes you think I am? I swear to whatever god you pray to that if you're trying to compare Tommy to-”

“No! No... not at all. At all. It's just... this is how it starts. With you pulling away from us. I don't have any idea why, other than it started when you two became part of this group.”

“You mean my friends.” A voice in the back of my head was scoffing at the fact that I was indirectly calling Raab my friend too, even though Nate didn't mention him. I suppose in a weird way he was, even though I kinda can't stand him.

“Maybe they are legitimately your friends, but the things the group of you are doing...” Nate shook his head again.

“I told you, I'm tired of being soft.”

“Kandis....” He sounded almost desperate. Fucking dammit.

“Look, I'm not trying to shut you out, okay? I just have shit to figure out, and I need to do things my own way for a while to do that, and I can't do things my own way with you and Debbie and Ray in my ear.”

Nate nodded, and I saw the lines of concern that had been on his face since he walked in fade.

“Yeah. Obviously you're going through something... or a few things. You've always wanted to do things your own way. Fine. I'm not gonna push you anymore. These pe- friends of yours worry me, but you sound like you know what you're doing.”

“I do. Everything we're doing has a purpose. It's not supposed to be likable or pretty. Some people crack eggs to make omelets, we're just cracking skulls.”

I was surprised to see Nate smirk at that. “Okay. Just promise me two things.”

“I gotta hear what the things are first.”

Nate held a finger up. “If something the Jackals want to do seems too far to you, makes you uncomfortable? Bail.”

“Okay.” I planned on that anyway, it was why I had questioned Drake about the bullshit they did to Sienna Swann. I thought they actually tried to hurt her baby, just scaring her though? I was okay with that.

“And second... don't forget that if you need anything, advice, an ear, or just a beer.. I'm always here for you.”

I smiled, despite my irritation at his overprotective shit. “Yeah. I know that.”

Nate nodded. I thought he was gonna say something else, but he just backed up a few steps, then turned to leave.

“Nate.”

He turned back. “Yeah?”

“Thanks. Brother.”

He gave me a grin before turning and walking out.

I turned around and kicked the fuck out of the heavy bag I had been working with before Nate showed up. Yeah, I've been hard since I was a kid, I had to be, but Nate and his family had been my only soft spot for a long time. No matter how hard I wanted to be, I couldn't keep that wall up for him. Even if he did say that fucking name. Jackson. I kicked the bag again, so hard that it went nearly horizontal. I braced my arms to catch it so it wouldn't knock me on my ass, and ended up hugging the motherfucker.

Look, everyone has something in their past that they bury. Force themselves to forget. I hadn't exactly lied to Tommy when I told him I'd never been in a real relationship before. I wouldn't call what Jackson and I were a relationship. He was more like... a regular customer, as I used to call my recurring fuck boys. Until... I shook my head at myself, I didn't want to remember. I wanted to forget. And I had done that so well with this motherfucker that I had actually completely forgotten about him, until Nate said the name. No, I hadn't lied. How can it be a lie when I didn't even remember it? Except now it was coming back,, thanks to Nate's flippant comment. And now all I could think was... is Jackson the reason why I basically fucked everything up at that damn pool party?

I sighed at myself, pushing that bullshit down with a hard headshake. I had to get ready for my striking class, some of the students were here now, I could see them waiting around the ring we usually use. I grabbed my water bottle and headed that way. I heard footsteps behind me, increasing as they tried to catch up with me. I turned to see who just as Ashley put his hand on my shoulder.

“Everythin' alright, love?” We talked as we walked to the ring for class.

“Fine. Great. Why wouldn't I be?”

“I saw you talkin' t'that bloke. He seemed ta upset ya.”

“He did. But it's fine. He's my brother.”

“Dint know ya had one.”

“Well, foster brother. His parents were my last foster family.”

“Ohh... those folk. What'd he say t'upset ya?”

“It's not important.”

“Course it is, if it got under yer skin like that.”

I sighed. I didn't want to go through all this shit again, at least not with Ashley. Tommy should hear it, though.

“I just don't want to talk about it right now. Okay?”

“Alright. If ya do though... ya know where t'find me. Right?” He grinned. Fuck, he really did think we had a thing. He was trying to make it more than fucking.

“Yeah. But don't hold your breath, you should probably remember your standing.”

Ashley stopped mid-step, and stared at me. I stopped too and gave him a half shrug. “Yeah... yeah, I know my place, dun worry about that.”

He brushed past me and jogged to the ring, before sliding in. I felt slightly bad that he was upset by what I said, but there wasn't a better way to make things clear than saying it bluntly. I couldn't let myself get any softer than I had... the fact I gave in to him at the party was proof. The way all of this was fucked up now was my fault... because I let my guard down.

That's what happened with Jackson, and I can't do that anymore.